My kids and I aren’t sick, but with an extended break from regular school attendance looming in front of us we have been doing a lot of talking about what that means for us.

I’ve always been super cautious when it comes to parenting. I limited my kids exposure to toxins and sugar and chemicals for much of their toddler years (and to some extent now). There are still times now when I wonder who this person is that lets her kids have sugar at parties and celebratory moments.

But if you ask anyone who has suffered trauma and loss they will tell you that you always come out of that loss overly aware of the sanctity of life and how fast it can change. It’s what people do with that knowledge that is different for each person. Some choose to throw caution to the wind and enjoy every moment because God is sovereign and all of our days are numbered; while others live cautiously in fear of making one misstep that will cause the world they have left to come crashing down.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting over the past two weeks. My kids and I had travel planned and bags packed and were heading to spend a couple of days with family at one of the happiest places on earth. 😉

I debated and prayed about whether to go and reviewed medical statements and recommendations regarding travel.

If we had been leaving the country I would have cancelled and stayed home as so many of my friends did. But there were less than a handful of cases of sickness in the entire state where we were heading and none in the city or county we would be visiting. I heard Ben’s voice in the back of my head saying not to live in fear. And so off we went.

It was not an easy decision. Because of the trauma my children have faced, they live with an often unvoiced fear of losing me. They worry that everything the world faces will come down on our house and they are used to keeping those feelings inside. I am acutely aware of this, so I try to make sure that I explain things in the world that they might hear about in ways that they will understand and be able to relate to.

The world seemed to suddenly be blanketed in fear just a few days into our trip. I talked to the kids and we discussed the virus that everyone was afraid of. I explained it in terms they would understand and we discussed our options.

The reality is, I’m not worried about us contracting the virus and not recovering, and Lord willing, I won’t have to eat my words. However, I explained to them the reasons that schools are closing and people are being asked to limit exposure to others. And I explained to them the importance of everyone doing the same thing if we want to be able to go back to school/work anytime soon.

They agreed to head home earlier than we planned. We got excited about the idea of homeschooling again for a couple of weeks and of having pajama days and cooking and doing other things with just us. We talked about how we wouldn’t be spending time with others who are not able to do the same thing. We talked about what it means to protect others.

These are kids who understand sacrifice. They have been making sacrifices their entire lives. They knew that while this would be fun for a little while, it could still be really hard.

I do not regret taking them to Florida for a few days. I’m glad they got a couple days with family like we planned. I’m trying to embrace the promise I made to myself after Ben died that I would not live in fear, but live every moment to the fullest. And I think because we talked about it together as choices were being made, that they learned a valuable lesson in sacrifice and how we each have choices to make in order to help make the world a better place for other people.

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

***All of us have a choice in how we handle this with our children and the lessons that they will learn. Whether you agree with the decisions being made or not, you can still use this to teach them the value in making sacrifices for other people.***

Earlier this week I listened to my kids in the back of the car conversing about things to come in the months ahead… “I can’t wait until…”; “I’m not going to enjoy anything until…” and my mind started rolling backwards to moments that I had wished away from my life.

Have you ever anticipated and looked forward to something so much that you just couldn’t enjoy a single thing while waiting for it to happen?  When I got married in 2006, I remember I was ready for my life to finally begin.  I had finished graduate school, met the man of my dreams and was ready for the fairy tale part of my life to really start. 

Now, I know my life didn’t really begin when I was 25 years old, walking down the aisle to marry Mr. Right.  But every journey begins somewhere.  Mine really began a long time ago as a big baby born in Maine.  I was the daughter to military parents who had the privilege of living in Germany, Italy, and multiple states on the east coast during the first decade of my life.  My journey continued through high school and college in North Carolina, on into graduate school.

But if I’m being completely honest, I lived all those years just waiting for my real life to start; the life you find in fairy tales and daydreams.  I have always been a storyteller.  I imagined being swept off my feet by the handsome stranger and riding off into the sunset where I would live in blissful happiness in a gorgeous well-kept mansion with all the children I could hope for (at the time it was 12, who magically appeared without doctors and fertility treatments assisting, cause who dreams that into their story?). 

Of course for me, I learned at a young age that I didn’t get to write that part of the story as easily as I had dreamed that I would.  I spent several years “searching” for Mr. Right before he found me (not surprisingly when I wasn’t looking or chasing after him).  The next few years we tried to enjoy that blissful idea of life together while waiting for the “family” part of our journey to begin.  That beautiful journey into parenthood finally began after several years of disappointment and loss.

And just when we thought things were looking up for us and all our dreams were coming true, we found deployment and brain cancer looming over the next horizon. Another baby was added and our dreams for a family that would keep growing were once again shattered amidst another devastating loss. And then cancer was back, and we were back to waiting for life after cancer to find us…

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that life after cancer to begin alone, a few years later, as a single mom of three. I longed to know when the new beginnings were to come and what journey would begin next. And once again, I find myself longing to write that story… because I want to control the timing and the outcome of where I go from here.

But if you hear anything from me in all of this writing… HEAR THIS… my writing will never be able to do that story justice.  You see, every moment that I have spent longing for the days ahead and for the next right thing to roll into my life, is a moment that I have not spent appreciating the here and now.  Matthew 6:31-34 says, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ … do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own” (NIV). 

“But now, Lord, what do I look for?  My hope is in you.” (Psalm 39:7, NIV).

I won’t ever be able to write my own story as beautifully as He can… and neither can you.  No matter how hard we try.  But I am bound and determined to appreciate every moment of the here and now while I’m waiting for the next unbelievable thing he sends my way. 

I am going to stop waiting for the life I’m longing for to truly begin.  And I’m going to start living in the moments I’m in right now.  And I’m going to make them count.  And more importantly, I want my children to grow up thanking God for every moment… not just the ones to come.

Anyone who knows me knows I love a happy ending.  I watch television and movies to escape from reality.  I love the chance to see how problems are solved and people’s lives are improved over the course of an hour or two.

I remember the first time I watched Mrs Doubtfire. I laughed, I cried, I envisioned the happy ending, and then I ended the viewing feeling utterly beat down. How could the producers end a movie that way? Where was the happy ending they had been building up to for the whole film? I remember feeling heart broken for this made up family because things didn’t go the way I expected that they would… the way that I thought was “right.”

It was a harsh realization the day that I realized that our stories don’t always have a happy ending:

• Sometimes marriages end in divorce when one partner doesn’t want it to
• Sometimes the longed for pregnancy ends before it really has time to start
• Sometimes cancer kills the ones we love
• Sometimes jobs are lost and we face financial struggles we didn’t see coming
• Sometimes the love we have been seeking our whole life never comes
• Sometimes children don’t get to grow up with a mom and a dad
• Sometimes children end up torn between two homes
• And sometimes our every hope can be shattered in an instant.

The summer Ben died I did a study on the book of Job.  After I lost him, I kept studying and found myself angry at moments.  Job lost everything, but still trusted God.  I understood how he could keep trusting God, but what I didn’t understand was the end of the story.  In the end it says, “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.  He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.  And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.  Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.  After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.  And so Job died, an old man and full of years.” (Job 42:12-17)

I remember asking another widow at the time, how is it possible for God to bless the latter half of his life more than the beginning?  He LOST his family and no matter what he got back it couldn’t replace what was lost.  I didn’t understand.  No amount of new children, cattle and money could replace those who he lost.

I may never know the answer as to why we lost Ben.  But friend, life is full of unexpected twists, turns, roadblocks, and heartaches. We have the choice to either let those heartaches beat us down and destroy us or to beat down the gates of heaven praying that God will allow us to push through to find a greater blessing on the other side.

Things don’t always go the way we anticipate or expect that they will, but God is still good and God is still on the throne. I believe that His way is sovereign and that all things work together for good even when we can’t see the good.

The last chapter in Job begins with this: “Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do all things, no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” (Job 42:1-3).

It’s still hard for me to understand how God can bless the latter part of my life more than the first.  How can He give me more than I can even imagine after all that has been lost?  But I trust that God has things in store that I can’t even understand… things that are too wonderful for me to even know.  And I intend to hope and believe that the day will come when I can look back and say that I am grateful for all that we have been through and all that God has given me as I keep moving forward!

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep choosing joy!

Last week I had the privilege of guest posting at

Not Alone, New Affirmations – Guest Post: Tricia Thirey

If you didn’t get a chance, take a minute to check out what God taught me last year through a few sticky notes!