Tricia Thirey

As a child I don’t really remember being afraid of the dark.  But I sure do remember being afraid of just about everything else. 

I remember being scared when our parents left us home alone (at a very appropriate age) and hiding behind the couch.  My over-active imagination would run through all the scenarios of what would happen if someone broke into our house while I watched my sisters play Nintendo.  Our attackers would go after them first obviously, and I would be able to hit them from behind because they didn’t know I was there.

 My imaginary intruders did not stop as I got older and when I started living on my own, I found myself often afraid.  When I had an apartment or house by myself, I would call friends to talk me into the house at night to make sure I made it inside safely.  I frequently relied on others to calm my fears and to help me to do what should be “normal” activities.

Six months after I got married and moved to Tennessee, Ben deployed for the first time as a married man, leaving me coming home to an empty house every single day.  Daytime did not phase me, but nighttime was not my friend.  I was plagued by what would happen if someone came into the house at night.  I would rush into the house when I got home and lock all the doors.  If it was dark and I had to go upstairs for any reason, I would not come back down.  Almost nightly, I locked myself in my room till morning. 

Here the imaginings changed.  Intertwined with fears of someone breaking in were fears of a knock on the door notifying me that my husband wouldn’t be coming home.  The fears were unfathomable.  This time I was plagued by worries that if someone banged on the door, I would have to answer, but what if it was someone just wanting to break in? 

These were always nighttime fears.  Daytime did not plague me the way the night did.  Morning would dawn. I would unlock my bedroom door and come downstairs unconcerned.  The fears continued when Ben would go away for the night or stay out late during grad school and while working.  I would worry about him driving over the mountain in New York and not returning home because he drove a little recklessly through that mountain pass.

Children added to the fears and cancer caused them to grow exponentially.  I have always feared the worst and been afraid of all the what ifs.  And it was not until the worst fear came true and Ben passed that I truly found myself face to face with all my fears.

I have written before about how I “let go” of fear when he died.

When your biggest fears become your reality… – Tricia Thirey (choosingjoyineverymoment.com)

The worst had happened, and for a season I felt like there was nothing left to be afraid of. 

I still did not like to come home alone after dark and made sure the kids and I were tucked inside whenever possible by the time the sun was setting.  But even the silence and solitude of living in the country alone didn’t scare me.  My in laws bought us a security system for Hanukkah that first year and for months I was afraid to install it.  I did not want the sounds and beeping to instill a new fear in me.  I did not want to live afraid again.

As time has gone on, five years to be exact, new fears have arrived.  I set my alarm at night not out of fear but habit.  I come home after dark frequently and do not feel like I have to enter every dark room with apprehension. 

Instead of a fear of the dark, I fear my choices.  I fear making decisions and heading down the wrong path.  I fear being alone and having no one to count on. And I am afraid of something happening to me that would leave my children parentless. And at times I find myself making choices out of fear. 

Joshua 1:9 sits on a shelf in my son’s room as a reminder to not fear the night. “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I have found that in fear I do one of two things:

1. I retreat.  I run away from the unknown for fear the worst will happen.
2. I sit in fear.  I fear making the wrong choice, so I don’t make any choice and instead sit in indecision indefinitely because I do not want to do the wrong thing.

Neither of these is a healthy place to be.  I do not want to be afraid of the unexpected.  I want to have a battle plan of how I will attack fear when it comes. 

Psalms 23:4 says, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they will comfort me.” 

I have learned that when I choose to step back and reflect on the fear, that I must give myself a timeline on when to make a move.  Because the only healthy way I can deal with fear is to push through and keep moving forward.  And the reality is, I have already lived through some of the worst fears imaginable. And while I would not have chosen that path, God has made me stronger as I have continued to push forward! 

What about you?  What do you fear?  I’m praying that you will learn to face those fears head on like I am trying to do, trusting God to walk alongside us on even the darkest of roads!

The other day I listened as a dear friend told me about struggles that they have faced recently.  During their story, I heard them say that maybe this is what they deserved for having the past that they do.   And while I have been working on trying to listen more than I speak, I could not let that comment go unanswered. 

Friends, in this life we do not get what we deserve.  It may seem that is what is fair and good and right, but that is just not the way it works.  Sometimes I think we find it easier to blame ourselves and our choices for the lot we have drawn in life, but that is not always the case either.

After Ben died, my sister posted this on Facebook, “I spent a lot of time being angry with God on their behalf, infertility (7 years’ worth), cancer (3 times in 2 places), difficult deliveries with life changing returns- you name it.  It was Ben Thirey reminded me of all the good that came from these things—why God shouldn’t be questioned and where he would be (and where his family would be) if it wasn’t for these trials.”

While I often still find myself questioning the why behind the things I have gone through and where I am in life, I have never questioned that it is a part of God’s plan.  For every right choice I have made in my journey as a Christian (and as a person), I have made ten wrong.  I have made choices I have deeply regretted later; but I can honestly look back on every single one of them and see how they grew me and led me to the place where I am today.

That same post from my sister said this, “Ben took Tricia from the shy quiet girl she was and pushed her into the amazing and strong woman she is now.  Her shell is gone, her heart is open and strong and Ben Thirey is to be credited for molding her into who she is.”  

While I am thankful for all the ways I grew during marriage, I believe that the challenges we faced and overcame (with God’s help not just Ben Thirey’s 😉) played a huge role in growing me into the person she saw when we lost him.

I do not think that all the hard things that we go through in life are meant to discipline us, but I love that they are able to shape us into who we are supposed to be.  Hebrews 12:11 says, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” NASB

Reality is that we serve a God who has made it abundantly clear that no matter how many mistakes we have made in our pasts, we are not relegated to living the life we deserve.  And we have the choice when we come up against the storms of life to allow them to shape us into whoever it is that God is leading us to be.  We only need to embrace the possibilities and be open to what He is teaching us through the journey. 

It is truly a glorious feeling to know that no matter how I fail, my life is still redeemable and such a beautiful thing to be able to live.  And yours is too! And I have a great hope in this, that the days to come will be better than the ones I am choosing to leave behind.

If you are in a season of struggling with the unfairness of the lot that has fallen on you… or pain because you are living out a life you do not feel you deserve, I would love to pray for you!  Feel free to email me at blessingsinraindrops@outlook.com or send me a message! 

Have you ever spoken words that you wished you could take back?  Words that you knew were not life giving and would cause someone else pain?

A few months before we lost Ben one of his doctors asked him whether he was being taken care of at home.  Ben replied, “no, there is no one to take care of me.”  We were at a clinic in Mexico where I had just spent weeks learning his treatment plan and how to best help him follow it on our return to the states.  Emotions were running high.  I sent him into his next treatment and poured out my heart in tears to some new friends, who were also in Mexico for treatment.

Deep down, I knew that he didn’t mean what he was saying, but there were times during that last year when he would forget that I was right there beside him through the whole process.  These new friends reminded me that the way he looked at me and the way that he talked about how much he loved me meant so much more than the words that he hastily spoke.  All he could remember in that moment was how difficult it was to be in this new place when he didn’t always remember he was sick. 

Those new friends spoke life into me at a moment when I needed it most.  They said sometimes words are spoken in haste, but his actions over a dozen years were so much more important to remember.  Their words spoke life into my very broken heart and gave me the strength to continue through such a difficult time.

After I lost Ben, I felt completely alone. And I found myself trusting God in a way I never had before.  I ended up with a brand-new circle of friends.  People who poured life and affirmations into me when I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore.  They encouraged me when I felt like I was failing as a parent. And built me up when nothing in my world seemed to be going right without him.  Those friends became my closest confidants, my kindred spirits, my reminders that I could do hard things.  They still remind me that no matter how alone I feel, I am not really.  And I know that God sent them into my life when I needed them most.

Words Can Heal or Hurt

Our words have the power to heal or to hurt.  They have the power to speak life into others or bring lasting pain.  Proverbs 12:18 says, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I am so thankful for those close friends who pour life into my words of affirmation heart. I am reminded that I am chosen, worthy, and loved, regardless of all my shortcomings.  One of my strongest desires in life is to grow to be more like them every day.

I really thought that I understood how much words can hurt and how to use them wisely.  But a few weeks ago, someone told me that I am unkind in my words.  They gave me enough grace to say that they thought maybe my unkindness was unintentional, but it was there nonetheless.  And while I may sincerely apologize, that maybe I speak more words in haste then I realize.  It was truly like another dagger to the heart.  I would never want others to feel that I am unkind, intentionally or not.   

I have spent a lot of time contemplating those words and the friendship that they ended.  They cannot be taken back, but they have been a reminder to me of how human I am.  I believe God sends people into our lives to show us our weaknesses so that we can grow and learn.  So I have taken the last few weeks to pray and think about what they said. 

• Sidenote: It is important to determine whether what someone says is spoken from a place of truth or a place of hurt.  And I have really struggled with this one.  Because it was spoken by someone who I thought saw the good in me despite all my shortcomings.

That said, I am not perfect and am the first to admit that I fail every single day.  I fail at relationships, friendships and especially at parenting more than I want to admit.  The realization of all these failures makes me so much more thankful that the forgiveness of God does not come with fear or lasting anxiety.  When He forgives, past sins do not continue to be held over us the way they are on earth.  That forgiveness is seasoned with grace that surpasses anything we could imagine. 

Allow Yourself to Grow

So here I am, weeks later, continuing to let those words resonate with me. And praying that the Lord will continue to grow me to a place where my words can be life giving and encourage others rather than tear them down.  And these are the verses that have been on repeat:

• Psalm 34:13- “keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.”
• Psalm 141:3- “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
• Proverbs 10:19- “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.” (the NLT translation of this one says, “Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”

So I pray the Lord will help me to guard my tongue and keep it from evil; that He will remind me when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak; and that I will use my words to build others up. I know how much our words have the power to heal or harm. And I really do pray that my words will truly be healing. 

I thank the Lord for giving me the grace to forget most of what is said to me in hurt.  Loss has truly made me able to forget things that initially caused pain (or maybe it’s just widow brain).  My prayer is that I am able to give the grace that the Lord has shown to me to others.  Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

What about you?  Do you have trouble with words?  Do you find yourself asking for forgiveness and grace a lot?  Or are you one of the lucky few who remembers to think before they speak?

I often find myself thinking about the future and what I hope it will look like.  Peace about where I am, who I am surrounded by, and that my children will grow up to be exactly what God has for them!  I long for strong relationships with other people and the ability to ground my children in the Word.  And I hope that I make the right choices…

But I have learned over the years that hope makes one vulnerable.  When we open ourselves up to dream big dreams and hope for the future, we do so knowing that we may not get the outcome that we are longing for. 

Hope can literally be terrifying. It can weigh us down like a burden and feel like it is setting us up for a big fall.

Sometimes I find myself fighting the desire to not hope for anything, because if I do not put my hope in these earthly things, then I do not have worry about the brunt of disappointment if my hopes are dashed.

When Ben and I were struggling to start our family, I can remember the hopes that were dashed month after month.  As many of my friends who have dealt with infertility know, it is hard to keep hoping in something that leaves you vulnerable to pain when it does not come to fruition. 

After a particularly hard couple of months, I remember feeling hopeless and telling Ben I no longer wanted to hope… that maybe it was time for us to grow our family a different way…

I hated being vulnerable and continuing to hope for something that was I was not getting on my terms.  Ben was used to dreaming big dreams and trusting God for the future. It was something those multiple deployments had trained him to do, and something that I still struggle with. 

1 Peter 5:10 says, “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

Ben’s faith and hope was strong enough for both of us in that season, and I am incredibly thankful that our hopes became a reality that was even better than I could have imagined.

But I still long to be someone who hopes without holding back, and who trusts without trepidation.  And I pray continually that God will allow me to show my children the importance of putting our hope in the things that we cannot see, and in a God who is good even when we are not. 

Romans 8:24-25 says, “For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”

What about you?  Do you live a life filled with hope in the things you do not see? Are you finding yourself waiting impatiently for them to come to fruition like I did for so many years?