I can’t believe it has been four years since I last held your hand… 4 long years since I last kissed you and told you that I would love you forever… 4 years since our babies got to see your smile and laughing face in person…
I don’t like to think about that day because I immediately remember sitting alone in the waiting room outside the ICU hearing the doctors and nurses and machines… and trying to drown out the sounds with worship music and praying for the doctors to come and tell me you were fine…
Thinking about that morning starts the tears that just won’t stop.
That one painful moment in time… the culmination of eleven beautiful years together. That one moment brought so much brokenness for me, but healing and wholeness for you…
Your mom shared this song with us today… and the words spell out so beautifully how I feel today…
“I know the road you walked was anything but easy,
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run
The pain is all a million miles away.
The only scars in heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now.
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t see you
You live on in all the better parts of me
Until I’m standing with you in the sun, I’ll fight this fight and this race I’ll run
Until I finally see what you can see…”
Four years have gone by so painfully fast and slow at the same time. We love and miss you just as much today as we did four years ago and look forward to the day when we are able to once again see your face. I wish you were here to see our sweet babies growing up… but I am thankful for the joy that we have every time we remember you. Love you… mean it!
Fifteen years ago, I woke up after a mostly sleepless night. I was excited about what would easily become one of the best days of my life. It had been a late night… In fact, I had hopped into a red convertible Corvette with my soon to be husband late the night before. We had taken a short drive away from all the family staying in the dorm I oversaw. And we found ourselves dancing under the streetlights in a parking lot next to the Campbell University football field.
People might think that was romantic. Or they may think that was a silly way to spend the night before our wedding when dozens of people were in town to spend time with us. But Ben knew that even after hours of lessons preparing for our first dance, I was still nervous to dance in front of our family and friends. And he wanted to make sure I woke up on our wedding day without a single worry in my head.
I forgot about that moment until last night. I lay in bed alone, remembering back to the night before that memorable day. A night when I saw all that I had dreamed of finally coming to fruition.
Our wedding day… May 28, 2006
Today would have marked 15 years of marriage to the first person I ever loved. 15 years of learning about life, love, and each other. 15 years of parenting and growing our family together. Years that weren’t perfect, but where we continued to choose each other despite everything we faced.
Today is my anniversary… but at the same time, it’s not. Because we only got 11 years of marriage to learn and grow together. We only got to prove to the world that we could do it all for 11 short years.
I learned a lot in those 11 years… and even more in the four years since that relationship unexpectedly ended. And this is what I know:
Marriage is hard work. In 2014, I blogged about how there was no title that I ever worked as hard for as Mrs. I had not forgotten about earning my doctorate, but I knew that I was going to spend every day for the rest of my life working hard as a wife.
Marriage is worth it. I have not forgotten the hard moments of marriage. The moments when you both must fight in order to keep on moving forward together. When it feels like the world is imploding around you. It does not matter how much work it is, it is worth it. It is worth it to know that you get to wake up every day next to the love of your life until the end of time.
Life is short. This is probably the most cliché, but it is also the best advice I can give to anyone in a relationship. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. In fact, today may not be either. Do not waste a single minute. Love big, embrace the ones you love, and enjoy every second with them.
If you are one of the lucky few who have gotten to spend more than a decade with the one you love, I applaud you. I envy you. I wish I was you. I will likely shed a tear or two hearing about your 25th and 50th anniversary knowing that I will be old and gray before those celebrations will be on my radar again.
But I will also cheer louder and harder for you then anyone else. And I will thank God that He allowed you all to make it to that point… because marriage is hard, and while it is worth it, not everyone makes it to that point.
So here is my advice to you: Cling to those you love, remember that life is short, and celebrate every little milestone the two of you reach together. It is worth it.
Today I’m remembering moonlight dances, cheesecake, and wedding vows. And missing the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life working hard to deserve. Happy 15th Anniversary in Heaven, my love! Love you, Mean it!
I recently had the opportunity to read an advance copy of Rest for the Weary by Shay Mason. This is an incredible book that shares stories of how the author has stepped out of fear into true freedom. And how she has learned to embrace rest for her weary soul. The truths from scripture that this book has intertwined in it’s pages have reminded me of the importance of living a life without fear, a life full of forgiveness and joy.
Fear
One of my favorite things about this book is the author’s ability to admit her own fears and shortcomings while refusing to remain in those difficult places. She shares stories of others who have been fearless in the pursuit of life, but admits honestly, “I know I’ve not yet been made perfect, but I also know I have a Father who gives lavishly (1 John 3:1). His love is infinite and always available. The more I let him touch my heart, the more love I receive. It’s actually pretty simple, but it’s easy to get caught up in our heads trying to force a change in ourselves.”
I can honestly say that I have struggled with fear my entire life. Fear of losing those I love. Fear of leaving my children without parents. Even the fear of making the wrong decisions and not being able to fix the mistakes I have made. This book reminded me that no matter what our fear is, God is always there willing to rescue us and give us hope.
Forgiveness
Throughout the last few years of my grief journey, I have openly admitted my struggle with forgiving those who have hurt my feelings and who seem oblivious to the pain others feel. When I am not sure which of us needs to forgive the other, I have found myself trying to be content with letting those relationships die out in order to keep my own heart “at peace.”
Woven within the pages of her story, she shares some beautiful truths about love and forgiveness that really stood out to me. She says, “It is profoundly beautiful when God heals a person’s heart to such a degree that they can genuinely experience love and compassion for the person who hurt them. Truly, what could be more Christlike?”
I think deep down each of us knows the importance of forgiveness and how it can allow for not only our own healing, but for healing of relationships and souls as well. The reminders in the book can not be overlooked. Shay says, “Conversely, when we embrace forgiveness, it unleashes power for good. Lives are transformed, families restored, and nations are redeemed. Forgiveness is an inseparable component of love, and it is the work of God. While the world clambers for justice, retribution, and revenge, true forgiveness is so countercultural it can be shocking. Walking in forgiveness is kingdom living. It is radically different from what the world expects.”
Refusing forgiveness not only keeps us from healing, it keeps God from truly speaking to us and using us the way that we can be used. Forgiveness is finding love within ourselves to give openly and freely to everyone, no matter how much they have hurt us!
Embracing Joy
My struggle for joy in the everyday is one I write about a lot. Shay says, “We are often led to believe that if we experience an absence of peace or joy, we must not be a “good Christian.” In response to this feeling of inadequacy, it is tempting to follow the lead of Adam and Eve by wearing metaphorical fig leaves to cover our sense of failure.”
Being transparent and allowing others to see my struggles is something that I have learned to be comfortable with the last few years. Knowing that no matter how many times I fail, I can keep on trying.
This book is laden with truths and great insight into the struggles each of us have with resting our weary hearts and souls. I encourage you to read it and see for yourselves! It released this past week and if you are still looking for a mother’s day gift for someone special in your life, it would make a great gift!
We fit in a lot on our weekends at home the last few weeks: movie nights, game nights, golf, chess playing, church, pedicures, reading together, wildlife rescue centers, painting dates with friends, and family time. Not to mention laundry, cleaning, and a lot of dance and piano practicing.
I am not trying to win any medals for being super mom, or even trying to prove anything to myself (ok maybe just a little). Mostly, I am trying to make the few moments I have with my kids each week really count!
I have written a lot about living with intention since losing Ben. And I have never needed to live life more intentionally than I have this year.
If you had asked me a year ago if I would go back to work full-time outside of the home again before my kids were grown, I would have given you a resounding no. In fact three months ago, I would have still said NO!
Teaching graduate classes online has been such a blessing the last few years. In addition to giving us extra to travel, I could drop them off and pick them up from school every day since we stopped homeschooling. But in the fall, I felt God calling me to agree to long-term sub a 6th grade class for a few weeks. Nine months later, I find I am still there.
This was not a part of my plan. And it was something I embarked on with a little trepidation. I even prayed with the kids over whether it was a good choice for us. Especially in this season of life that we are in.
While they miss me being in the carline and dropping into their classrooms, they have not had to be in daycare for a single day. Instead, they are picked up and brought home by my best friend each day.
But they get home an hour before I do which means that those long afternoons together have gotten a little shorter, and our time together has become more precious.
So as a result we have entered a season of a lot less scheduled activities and a lot more fly by the seat of our pants. And you know what? It has been good for all of us. Mostly because it has caused me to be more intentional with my time.
I have learned to navigate teaching my graduate school classes in record time. Now, I limit my grading to one block of time a week or a couple evenings after they are in bed. I have learned to let having a clean house go for a little while in exchange for togetherness. We have groceries delivered (thanks Covid) and Doordash too! And while they probably still think I say no a lot, I have tried to let myself say yes to a lot more!
In many ways, I think that my going back to work has been a blessing for us as a family. Because I realize now that I had become complacent and scheduled. Despite being home all the time, I took the time I had with my kids for granted. I don’t think I fully appreciated it. Now, with less time, I find myself spending more intentional, quality time with them.
A few weeks in Bible study I was reminded of the importance of taking the Sabbath to rest. And why we need to reflect on the good in our lives. I realized that one of those goods was being able to spend time with the children that God has blessed me with!
And now we are on the downward slope of 4 final weeks of working outside the home this school year. Then it will finally be the long-awaited summer break. Those weeks may be filled with takeout and dirty floors, but happy children; and a mom who enjoys every moment with them.
I’m learning to make the most of my time. And most importantly, I have learned that when I trust God with the outcome, my days are way more blessed than I could have expected. And the return is tenfold from what I could even imagine.
“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
The last stop on our Spring Break National Parks tour was Death Valley. This was not on the list of places I was dying 😉 to visit. However, it has been on my son’s bucket list for quite some time. Like his dad, he collects random facts for fun. He was determined we needed to go to the lowest point in North America. The fact that it was one of the hottest points in the world might have appealed to him a little as well. 😊
Death Valley Day 1
We cleaned up the AirBnb in Utah and set out early on Friday morning. We looked for places to stop along the way, but decided to forego the Valley of Fire Slot Canyon and head straight for Death Valley. The kids were excited that we drove past “Area 51” enroute.
We made it to Death Valley a little after lunchtime. Everyone was hungry and in need of bathrooms, but it was too early to check in to our hotel. So we stopped at The Inn at Death Valley for restrooms and lunch. The inn is gorgeous. At the time we visited California still was not allowing indoor dining. So we ate on the veranda that wrapped around the side of the building. Lunch was pricey, but it was delicious. We all enjoyed the chance to get out of the car and stretch our legs.
The Inn at Death Valley view
While we sat around eating we let the kids decide what we wanted to see over the next two days of our visit. We decided to drive out to Badwater Basin first. The plan was to see how many places on Badwater Rd. we could visit before we needed to check into our hotel.
Badwater Basin
Badwater Basin is the lowest point in North America. And even for mid-March it was incredibly hot. We walked out on the salt flats and took some pictures and the kids took in the surrounding area. We were not prepared for the wind and had to chase down a few hats that blew off. The sand and salt blowing around kept us from staying outside of the car very long.
Devil’s Golf Course
From there we made the long trek back towards our hotel. We stopped at the Devil’s Golf Course so my dad could pretend to play golf 😉. We read that you can hear the salt bubbling beneath the surface of the ground here. So the kids put their ears to the ground to listen. The ground here is very hard and seems very rocky. It is also quite sharp if you fall so they did not venture out very far here either!
Listening to the ground…
Artist’s Palette
Our last stop before the hotel was Artist’s Palette. We did get out to walk some here. E and I even climbed out into the center of the sand dunes in order to see the colors in all directions at the same time!
Artists PaletteThe view back to parking from our hike over the hills!
The Ranch at Death Valley & Living History Museum
We stayed right in the National Park at the Ranch for this trip. Since Death Valley is so big we figured that it was worth the extra cost in order to be able to see a little bit more. After we checked into our rooms, we walked to the front of the property. The Ranch did not have outdoor tables, so we picnicked on a couple benches in front of the restaurant. The Ranch sprawls over quite a bit of land. All of our rooms were at the back right on the golf course. In the middle of the property is an outdoor living history museum. So we took our time walking through looking at old wagons, tools, and trains. Then made our way back to our rooms to end our evening!
Living History Museum at our hotel
Death Valley Day 2
It was too hot the first afternoon to hike the Natural Bridge hike, so we decided to start our day there first thing on Saturday. We hoped to get the hike in before it got to be too warm. My dad was up early and grabbed us breakfast from the restaurant where we had eaten the night before. He brought them back for us to eat in the room so we could eat as we got ready. The breakfast burritos and waffles were amazing!
Natural Bridge Hike When we pulled into the parking lot for the Natural Bridge there were only a couple of cars. So we set out looking forward to having the trail to ourselves! It was warm in the sun, but once we made our way into the canyon like part of the trail it was cooler. We got a few pictures of the natural bridge and continued a little further past there before turning around to head back.
The Natural Bridge and some shade!
Golden Canyon Hike
The Golden Canyon is one of the places most well-known in Death Valley. Scenes from Star Wars were shot there and my dad wanted to venture on this hike. The morning warmed up fast so we did not do the entire hike, but enough of it for the kids to explore. They hid in some caves and climbed up the sides of the canyon.
Golden Canyon
Zabriskie Point Trail
From there we made our way to Zabriskie. This is a viewpoint that overlooks the far side of the Golden Canyon. While my parents took the kids to look out from the top, E and I decided to climb up another “hill” to see the view. We found ourselves heading down a trail towards the Golden Canyon and before we knew it were almost a mile down below the overlook. We never found the trail up to the top we were expecting (probably because you are not supposed to go that way 😉) but we enjoyed the hike down and back up anyways.
The view from ZabriskieThe sign we read after we hiked 😂
Stovepipe Wells Village
We drove to Stovepipe Wells Village and had a picnic lunch and did some souvenir shopping with the kids. They picked out shirts and hats and then we made our way back towards our hotel once again!
Borax Interpretive Trail
Our final stop on the way back was the borax interpretative trail. We shared with the kids a little about the history of Death Valley and the Borax that was found there!
Borax Interpretive Trail
We decided to have a low-key afternoon and made our way to the ice cream shop at the front of the resort grounds. Then we played charades on the golf course outside our room with the kids and my parents until dinner time. My youngest even spotted a fox running across the golf course in the middle of the game! It was definitely eventful.
The view from our patio
Death Valley Day 3
We got up on our last morning early enough to pack up and get breakfast before we got on the road.
We knew we wanted to see Dante’s View on our way out of the park. My dad grabbed another expensive breakfast from the onsite restaurant. He delivered it to our rooms so we wouldn’t have to eat outside again. After we finished breakfast, we loaded up the rental car to set out for the airport. Our last stop in Death Valley was Dante’s View. It was a brisk, chilly morning so we did not spend too much time at the viewpoint before heading back to the car.
Dante’s view
We made our way to Vegas with some extra time to kill before we needed to drop off the rental car. So we drove around letting E and B see the hotels and resorts before we made our way back to the airport. The Vegas airport was packed so we just grabbed a few snacks to share and waited to eat lunch on the flight home. Our trip was over faster than we expected once again!
My Key Takeaways:
It was hot! Mornings were the best for hiking and sightseeing not just for the temps, but because the wind blew the sand everywhere in the afternoons while we were there.
Stay in the park if you can. Death Valley is huge and covers a lot of land. Trying to sightsee from outside the park would require a lot of extra driving, and gas stations are few and far between!
There is so much we didn’t see, but I do not know that it is a trip we would go back to do again. At least not in the spring! If we go back we might try for a winter trip in hopes to see a different view of the park!
If you can bring a cooler with food DO! Food is expensive within Death Valley and heading out of the park for meals is quite a trek. Bring lots of snacks and easy meals if you want to save a little cash!
Fun Notes:
Our trip through Nevada and California marked states 38 & 39 for the kids and I to visit together! It also marked the 32nd state that we have visited with E & B! And we are planning to cross a few more off this summer since we had to change our international travel plans again!
This was the fourth National park that we visited this year AND we have about a half dozen more on our plans before the end of 2021!
What is on your travel bucket list? Do you hope to hit every state or have you already? Are national parks your speed or do you prefer theme parks and museums?
