Sunday morning my daughter woke up puking and complaining that her head hurt… and it brought my emotions, fears and worries from two weeks ago full circle. Two weeks ago, I woke up for church and my husband wasn’t feeling well. My mom sweetly took my kids to church and I stayed home with him so he could get a little more rest. By the end of the day he was throwing up every time he ate or rolled over and I knew I would have to take him into the hospital for them to give him some fluids, and more importantly seizure medications by IV. I wasn’t really surprised when they decided to keep him overnight for observation while giving him fluids, but I was already looking forward to us being back home and in our own bed on Monday.
The staff the first day was amazing. He had an MRI on Monday morning while I ran to the cafeteria to get a bite of food to eat. In the afternoon, OT and PT came and walked with him and immediately went to find a wheelchair, walker, and all the other paraphernalia that I would need to help him get around better when we got back home. They put through an order for a ramp for the house and for a hospital bed and told me that they would love for him to stay an extra day so that they could teach me how to use all these new things. He hadn’t slept much the night before so I told them I thought it would be best if we went back home where he could rest without being agitated.
His parents came in and shortly afterward the doctor came to tell us the MRI results. He said there was significant swelling and they needed to up his steroid immediately. They wanted to keep him one more day since he still wasn’t keeping food down. His dad gave me a ride home to see the kids and then I showered, changed and hurried back to the hospital. Benjamin seemed agitated so I sat on his bed with him holding his hands and talking with him. They still hadn’t given him steroids, or seizure meds and about an hour after I arrived he had a seizure. They hooked him up to oxygen and immediately rushed him to the ICU where they made us wait for almost two hours in the waiting room while getting him situated.
I spent the night next to his bed, holding his hands and talking to him, without him really responding other than the agitated jerking of his hands. Sometime after midnight they finally gave him meds and around 2am, he finally seemed to be resting peacefully. I fell asleep holding his hands and woke up to nurses rushing in at 4am and asking me if he had had a seizure. His snoring sounds which I had thought were normal were him fighting to get air and after giving him oxygen and shocking him multiple times, I moved to the hall watching while they prepared to intubate him. I watched as long as I could before moving to the waiting room and praying while waiting for his parents to arrive.
The nurses came out twice and so did the resident doctor, reassuring me that he was fine and I would be allowed back in soon, but within hours of being allowed back in his room, he stopped breathing and we had to say goodbye. It was the hardest goodbye of my life, and even the hours leading up to it did not prepare me for the fact that the goodbye was coming.
The memories are hard, and I already miss him so much. My heart hurts for myself and for my children and all that we have lost. I feel cheated by not knowing the end was near, or getting the chance to truly say goodbye. And I feel the weight of all the missed opportunities and the pain of such a sudden loss.
I don’t know what went wrong, and how he went from not feeling well on Sunday to being gone on Tuesday; but I have to believe that this was a part of God’s greater plan and continue trusting in the outcome that I cannot see. I know that God is still good, He is still on the throne, and my children and I will come out on the other side of this storm stronger than when we entered it. I ask that when you think of us that you will pray for us, that we would be able to see how wondrous the love of God truly is despite all that is ahead of us!
“May you be able to feel and understand as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is.” Ephesians 3:18.
11 thoughts on “I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye…”
Tricia, I didn’t personally know you too well, but the Thirey’s are all so dear to me. Mrs Thirey walked along-side my mom’s own battle with cancer & I’ll never be able to thank her enough for being there for her. Even though you & I have barely spoken, we are connected through the pain of death and cancer. And I have been so encouraged so many times by your blog posts and am so thankful for your strong faith. When I heard the news about Ben my heart ached for you & the whole family. You are always in my prayers. You are right – God is still good. He is still on His throne, but the pain is still real and raw, and we have a Jesus who can relate to our pain and hurt. Just want you to know, I’m praying for you and your kids often.
Oh Shanen- Thank you so much for your sweet words and your prayers. The pain IS real and it IS raw, but I am so thankful to have a God that gives me hope for the kids and I for the future. I can’t imagine how people survive something like this without a greater hope! Tricia
Hi Tricia, this is the first time I’ve ever read your blog because it popped up on my pinterest feed. I just want to say I am so sorry for everything you have been through these past few days. That sounds so difficult and I cannot even imagine what you are feeling. I admire you so much for having such a deep rooted faith to KNOW God is good through all of this. We recently had a close church member pass away leaving behind his wife and three young kids, and the strength that family had to come together was so incredible. Know it’s possible to keep going. And I’m sure you already know this, but please don’t ever forget to find your strength in God and to keep pursuing Him in every single valley even when your emotions don’t agree. I will be praying for you and your kids so much these next couple of weeks.
With so much love,
Your sister in Christ,
Isabelle- Thank you so much for your sweet words. I appreciate your prayers for the kids and I. We need every single one of them! I am trying to find my strength in the Lord as I know I could not make it through a single day without Him. Thank you for the encouragement and the prayers! Tricia
So glad you got a picture of hands…maybe instead of good bye, it’s: “See ya soon.”
I’m glad too! I wish I could hold his hand one more time! And you are right, it is not good bye, it should be “see you soon.”
So hard to read this, knowing you guys and there is nothing at all I can say in terms of comfort. but i will pray as you requested that you’d all know the wonderous love of our Savior. May He be so real to you all, to your whole family.
Thank you Michelle! We so appreciate your prayers. God has been so near to us through this all, I don’t know how we could make it through without Him!
You are an amazing woman and your posts are so powerful and inspiring! Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart during this journey. All I can really say is I keep you and your beautiful children in my prayers daily! ❤️
Thank you Joy! We so appreciate those prayers. God is truly helping us get through every day moment by moment. Thank you for your sweet words and prayers!
Loss often renders me speechless, lost my mother unexpectedly 3 years ago this month and I am in shock still. I feel for you and your family Tricia, and will keep you in my prayers.
God is with us through this journey, this I know. And he will mold each of us new – through it.
God bless you. Take care.. <3