A few weeks ago, a friend referenced broken pottery when describing what happened to our family when we lost Ben. Her analogy of our family shattering into a million pieces so accurately depicted how I have felt the last few years about the pain from this loss. She validated how hard it has been to pick up all those pieces and try to put them back together. No matter how much we try; we will never be able to put all those pieces back together and restore them perfectly to what we had before.
Sometimes I still wonder if I will ever truly feel whole again. If the broken pieces of me will ever fit back together well enough that I no longer feel the wind blowing through all of the cracks. If my longing for perfection, will ever allow me to be satisfied with the reality of life after loss. I long for the innocence that came from that “perfect” relationship, and the us against the world mentality; but am now faced with the reality that us against the world, could once again easily become, just ME.
Change has always been hard for me. Growing up I wanted to marry, set down roots, and live in the same place close to my family for the rest of my life. But God forced me of my comfort zone time and time again as he led me to marry someone in the military, follow him around the country and set down roots in new places over and over again.
Deep down, I know this is no different. God is still leading me out of my comfort zone, into the unknown, and directing me to put my eyes on Him and Him alone. I know that the piece that Ben filled will always be left empty, but this weekend I changed my perspective. I saw a cracked jug in a store… it had a beautiful plant growing out of the broken places. At first glance it may have seemed like trash, completely broken and wasted, something no one could use; but someone was able to make something beautiful grow out of the brokenness.
I want that to be me. I want to trust God to create something new and beautiful in my broken places. What about the broken places in your life? Do you ever feel they are beyond repair? I pray that you would be able to make something beautiful out of that brokenness in a way that only Jesus can.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13
I didn’t buy that cracked jug. At the time I didn’t want a reminder of the brokenness that I feel on a daily basis… but I have been thinking about it all week… and I may go back to that store and bring it home. I need that daily reminder that God can create beautiful things out of our brokenness if we let Him.