Category: Grief

               If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you know that I write a lot about fear and refusing to live in fear of the unknown.  I try to embrace each and every day the way that Ben would have wanted us to, without being afraid of what may lie ahead. 

               The other day my daughter asked if the coronavirus was done spreading yet and when we were going to be able to leave our house and see our friends.  I sat reflecting on the last time we had spent so many days in a row at home.  I could immediately recall when it was.  It was at the end of the summer of 2017 after we lost Ben.  In those days we stayed home because it was my safe place to hide.  My heart had been torn out and shattered.  I never knew when I might implode, so I needed to be in a place I could trust to protect me from the outside world.

               In those days, I wasn’t forced to stay locked away from the world, but I chose to.  I needed to be locked inside myself to heal so that I could return whole again (or as close to whole as I could get). 

               Being able to pick myself up after a loss like that was a challenge.  It was a challenge that I was not ready to face right away.  But, one day I woke up and decided I wanted to embrace living head-on.  I have prided myself the last two years on learning to live again, truly living!  I wake up every day looking for the next great adventure that will allow me to truly live life!

               I don’t know about you, but I have not really felt like I have been living the last few weeks.  Being locked away, told who I can and can’t see, being unable to plan for the future; makes me question my definition of living fully.  It’s made me wonder whether people, things, and places are what I really long for and whether I truly know how to be happy for myself. 

               And this is what I have learned.  We get to determine how happy we are in our circumstances.  No matter what put us in this place, we have a choice every day to make the best of it.  Just like everyone else, I want to see my family, and I want to see my friends.  I am disappointed in all the plans that have been cancelled and all the plans that won’t come to fruition because of this pandemic. 

And this is what I have decided to do:

1. Keep Living.  Keep waking up every day and making the most of it wherever you are. 
2. Keep embracing the ones you love.  Whether that is those you live with or your close circle of people that you are riding the storm out with, find a way to be close to them as much as you can.
3. Keep making memories.  Try something new.  Learn some new games and watch new movies. 
4. Keep sharing joy.  No matter how hard your current storm is, there are others who are struggling just as much or more.  Find them and figure out how to share a little joy with them.

               1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice at all times. Pray without ceasing.  Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is the will of God.”  I encourage you to keep on living life in spite of all uncertainty and doubt. Make plans and put them on the calendar.  Find a way to look forward to waking up every single day.  You won’t regret a moment spent looking for the good! 

I have reflected a lot the past two years on all I learned from Ben and about the ways that God prepared me for losing him before he was gone. And in the last few days I have read countless posts by people who are overwhelmed by the current situation in our country and all that they have lost. I am no different.

The current crisis in our country makes me increasingly aware of the sanctity of life and my place in this world… but I do not face this situation overly fearful and without hope. Because this is what I know:

• I know what it is like to lose control.

When Ben got sick, I quickly learned what it was like to lose control.  I lived by routines and dietary restrictions because they were something that I could manage.  When he died, we learned quickly that no matter how hard we try, there are some things that are just plain out of our control.  This is no different.  We still have choices, but many things are going to be out of our control in the coming weeks.  Embrace flexibility.  Take control of what you can (routines, schedules, and keeping your family safe).  Let go of the things you can’t control.  Holding onto those things too tightly will only stress you out more.   

• I know what loss feels like.

You may not have lost a spouse or a child, but we are living in a time when most everyone is going to suffer a loss.  If I have repeated any sentiment over the last three years it is this.  Your loss may not be the same as my loss, but it still matters.  It is okay to be sad about graduations, trips, and plans that won’t happen.  Do what you can to make the best of those situations.  Choose a way to make those moments still happen for you and your family, and try to find a way to smile through them.  But there is no loss “too small” that you can’t shed a few tears over it if you need to.  Don’t belittle anyone else’s pain.  Sit with them, tell them it is okay and try to share some joy with them.  Psalm 94:19 says, “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

• I know what it is like to homeschool my children (and to give myself a whole lot of grace).

This is my kids first year in public school.  It was a very conscious decision on my part to NOT homeschool this year.  And while I love homeschooling and the freedom it allows us, I felt that God gave me peace to let them go this year.  Like many of you, I did not plan on homeschooling this spring, nor did I want to.  Yet here we are.  We are only on day 2, and one of my children embraces this process wholeheartedly, while the others are already struggling.  I’m an experienced teacher and homeschool mom, and I am acknowledging this will be hard.  Find your tribe, share the joys and trials, and lift each other up.  Some of us will enjoy this time, and others will not.  Find a way to give yourself grace.  It doesn’t make you less of a parent to be honest and say you are struggling with this!  Remind others to give themselves grace too! 

• I know what being lonely is like.

I have never felt more alone in my life then when I lost Ben.  Even in the moments when I was surrounded by others, I was so lost in myself that I felt like I was in the world alone.  There are going to be times the next few weeks that even if you are surrounded by your family (24 hours a day 😊) that you are going to feel alone.  It’s okay.  We were made for fellowship with others.  God intended us to have others to hold us up and share life with.  No matter how alone you feel, I encourage you to reach out to someone else who you realize might be more alone (a single parent, a widow, someone without children, or elderly).  Knowing there are others out there going through the same thing can make you feel less alone.  Hebrews 13:1 says, “Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.”    

• I know who holds the future.

I believe I have been through a LOT of suffering and hard times in my short 39 years on earth, and I can tell you this: I know who holds the future.  Even in the darkest and most trying times of my life, I know I was not alone.  And in those darkest moments when I had no one else on earth to depend on, I found my relationship with the Lord growing the deepest.  Embrace your church, embrace your online Bible studies, and lean into the truth of the scripture.  Because while we don’t know the future, I know who does.  John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

I do not know what tomorrow holds for any of us.  But I do know these few things.  And I know that others, who have grieved and lost, know more than you can imagine about the pain that the world is in right now.  We know it, we have lived it, and we are still here to say you can get through this too!

I am praying much health and happiness over each of you.  Keep on loving and encouraging others.  We will get through this together!

I remember a few months after Ben died meeting another lady who had recently lost her spouse.  I was so thankful to have someone who understood my pain and could relate to this uncertain new world I was entering.  When she invited me to a young widows support group I jumped at the opportunity.  I knew early on that surrounding myself with people who not only understood my pain, but who had been there, would make all the difference in how I navigated loss.

I remember sitting in tears and listening to this group of ladies sharing about losing their spouses, how long they had been married, and how long it had been since their loss.  These ladies had been attending this group for weeks, months, years, and some even decades.

I remember leaving so confused about how they could still be grieving such a loss so heavily after so much time had passed.  I remember telling my friend, I loved Ben so much, but I don’t want this to be what defines me for the rest of time.  Twenty years from now, I don’t want to still be introducing myself to people by my pain and loss…  I will ALWAYS be Ben’s widow, but I don’t want that to be the only thing that is left of me.

As time has gone on, I have realized that you don’t magically wake up one day and have the grief disappear.  Ben will always be there, and while the pain from losing him will lessen, it will never go away.  But I have also realized something critical to surviving loss, and that is that I have to grieve with hope.

Have you ever faced something and felt helpless to overcome it?  A death, a divorce, infertility, a lost job or an uncontrollable relationship?

I have met so many people who grieve without hope.  They believe their loss will define them until the end of time, and are determined that it is impossible to ever be happy again.  Charles Spurgeon said, “without Christ there is no hope.”

As difficult as it was to lose Ben (and I would NEVER have chosen it), I have prayed and believed since the day he died that God had a plan that would help to redeem some of that loss.  I believed that He would help us to come out braver, stronger, and while not without scar, with purpose.  There have been moments here and there where I lose sight of that, but when I reflect back on the past few years, I have never doubted that God has a plan even when I didn’t understand it.

I actually learned that from Ben.  After years of infertility and a devastating miscarriage; he taught me that life is not without pain, but we can’t let that pain define us.  God always sees us through and if we allow it, He will rewrite our stories in ways that we can’t even imagine.

I will always be a widow; just like I will always be a mom, a daughter, a teacher, and a lover of Christ.  And I will always need the support of other widows who understand what it is like to walk this road.  But when people introduce me twenty years from now, I want them to also remember me as someone who made the most of every day that she was given, not living in the land of “what ifs” and days gone by, but instead basking in the goodness of all that the Lord has given her in the present.

If you find yourself without hope; I pray that you will find a reason to dream again.  That God would allow you to hope for a better tomorrow… that you would be able to wake up and face the day with hope for all that He can be doing in and through you in this new season…

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” Psalm 43:5

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.” Psalm 130:5

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7”

*** Please understand that I don’t want Ben forgotten, and my past will always help to define me.  Every bit of what I have been through in life is what makes me who I am today… but first and foremost, I am a child of God, who longs for my relationship with him to be the first thing people see when they meet me.

A few weeks ago, a friend referenced broken pottery when describing what happened to our family when we lost Ben.  Her analogy of our family shattering into a million pieces so accurately depicted how I have felt the last few years about the pain from this loss.  She validated how hard it has been to pick up all those pieces and try to put them back together.  No matter how much we try; we will never be able to put all those pieces back together and restore them perfectly to what we had before.

Sometimes I still wonder if I will ever truly feel whole again.  If the broken pieces of me will ever fit back together well enough that I no longer feel the wind blowing through all of the cracks.  If my longing for perfection, will ever allow me to be satisfied with the reality of life after loss.  I long for the innocence that came from that “perfect” relationship, and the us against the world mentality; but am now faced with the reality that us against the world, could once again easily become, just ME.

Change has always been hard for me.  Growing up I wanted to marry, set down roots, and live in the same place close to my family for the rest of my life.  But God forced me of my comfort zone time and time again as he led me to marry someone in the military, follow him around the country and set down roots in new places over and over again.

Deep down, I know this is no different.  God is still leading me out of my comfort zone, into the unknown, and directing me to put my eyes on Him and Him alone.  I know that the piece that Ben filled will always be left empty, but this weekend I changed my perspective.  I saw a cracked jug in a store… it had a beautiful plant growing out of the broken places.  At first glance it may have seemed like trash, completely broken and wasted, something no one could use; but someone was able to make something beautiful grow out of the brokenness.

I want that to be me.  I want to trust God to create something new and beautiful in my broken places.  What about the broken places in your life?  Do you ever feel they are beyond repair? I pray that you would be able to make something beautiful out of that brokenness in a way that only Jesus can.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

I didn’t buy that cracked jug.  At the time I didn’t want a reminder of the brokenness that I feel on a daily basis… but I have been thinking about it all week… and I may go back to that store and bring it home.  I need that daily reminder that God can create beautiful things out of our brokenness if we let Him.